Still You
by xsnos
Summary: Written for Songfic Challenge posted by moogle on Sacred Bookshelf.Song was You're still You by Josh Grobin. Angsty little story of Remus Lupin and his one and only love.


-1_"You're Still You" By Josh Groban_

Through the darkness  
I can see your light  
And you will always shine  
And I can feel your heart in mine  
Your face I've memorized  
I idolize just you  


Remus lay, limp and spent, on the patch of soft green grass. The first night of the full moon was always the worst for him. The shift of bone, flesh and organs from human to werewolf was an experience in excruciating pain and the shift back in the morning was just as bad.

There was a time when it had been easier though and Remus allowed himself to close his eyes. He focused on the visage that he had memorized so long ago. He let the soft voice that he knew so well wash over him. A light shined in his mind's eye and she was there, once more cradling his head and whispering in his ear to comfort him. Lulling him into the peace that he could only find in her touch; that gentle caress that would hold him steady when it seemed as though his life would shatter and be swept away on the breeze.

_I look up to  
Everything you are  
In my eyes you do no wrong   
I've loved you for so long  
And after all is said and done   
You're still you  
After all  
You're still you  
_

_  
You walk past me  
I can feel your pain  
Time changes everything   
One truth always stays the same  
You're still you  
After all  
You're still you  
_

Clarissa Evans had had a crush on Remus Lupin since he had first bumped into her as they boarded the train headed for Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. He had smiled at her shyly as he helped her collect her things. And though his look was sincere, Clarissa detected a hint of sadness and pain in his pale blue eyes. Lily had swept up just then and giving the young man a scathing glance, she had swept her younger sister onto the train. Once on board, Lily had told Clarissa that Remus was one of a group of very troublesome boys who wreaked nothing but havoc at the school and she instructed her sister to stay as far away from them as possible.

"The whole lot thinks they are something special," Lily had said haughtily. "But be especially careful of James Potter and Sirius Black. The two of them are the most infuriating of all."

Though Clarissa headed her sister's warning, she couldn't help but follow Remus with her eyes in the great hall or chance being late to herbology just so she could take the long way around and pass him on the stairs. Always there was a small smile and a half wave, but still the pain that lurked deep behind his jovial gaze.

Clarissa began to notice that there were certain days each month that she didn't see him in the halls or patrolling the tables, performing prefect duties. She inquired about discretely, but all she could discover was that he suffered from a rare ailment that kept him from classes for those days.

Her curiosity grew with her infatuation and during her second year at Hogwarts, she discovered the source of his affliction. She had followed the Marauders out of the castle on the first night of the full moon. She had watched in silent horror as the first rays of the moon washed over the group and her beloved Remus transformed from a mild-mannered teen into a mass of snarling teeth and slashing claws. She watched as the other three transformed as well and gave chase to the howling werewolf.

Trying to shake the scene from her mind, Clarissa had begun to wonder along the edge of the forest, not heading her surroundings. She came to a sudden halt as she was confronted by a set of sharp fangs, connected to a large beast. She spoke softly to the beast, who whimpered and for a moment went quiet. Tentatively, Clarissa reached out and caressed the bristly muzzle. The animal whined as it leaned into her touch.

"It's okay," she whispered as she looked into the beast's eyes. "I know you're in there Remus. I know you're still you."

Their interlude was suddenly interrupted by a huge, black dog who growled deep in its throat as it launched itself at the beast. A large buck pranced up and planted itself firmly between the girl and the werewolf and its attacker. A large rat scurried under the hem of Clarissa's robe and began pulling on her stockings with its teeth. The girl screamed in protest at the dog's attack and tried to slip past the persistent steed while kicking at the bothersome rat.

"Fine, get yourself eaten by the wolfman," said a high-pitched voice as the rat appeared from under her robes and transformed into the chubby boy who often followed Remus and the others about.

"She'll be fine, now that we're here to protect her. Searching for a nightmare, where you little Evans?"

Clarissa looked up into the smiling face and dark, laughing eyes of James Potter. She gave him a hard shove as she tried to get past him to see what was happening with Remus and the dog. There was no sign of either of them and she glared up at the handsome, arrogant Gryffindor. Her eyes narrowed as she seethed, "I didn't need your protection. I was doing just fine without your help. He wouldn't have hurt me. I was reaching him; I touched Remus' heart."

"Then maybe we should leave and let him have you," came a sarcastic voice from the edge of the woods. Sirius appeared and he ran his fingers through his dark mop of wavy hair, brushing leaves and twigs from the tangle. "You needn't concern yourself, little girl, the werewolf is our problem and I think we handle it admirably well."

Clarissa glared at the three for a long moment. The lonely sound of a wolf baying at the moon caught her ear and she turned her head to listen to the mournful song. Slowly she turned her head back to look at the others, "Teach me."

"What," asked Sirius as he plopped down on a large rock, "would you have us teach you?"

"How to transform," she answered, settling beside him.

"Now why would we do that," inquired James as he propped one leg up against the rock, effectively boxing Clarissa in.

"Because, if you don't," and she pasted a very sweet smile on her face. "I'll be resigned to reporting three underage, unregistered animangi. And if you won't teach me, I'll find another way to be with him through these troubling times."

Black and Potter exchanged mirthful glances as they caught her meaning before nodding in agreement.

_  
I look up to  
Everything you are  
In my eyes you do no wrong  
And I believe in you  
Although you never asked me to  
I will remember you  
And what life put you through  
_

Clarissa learned quickly how to transform herself and surprised them all with her chosen form. On the nights of the full moon, she snuck out of the school with the others and as the first rays of the moon would bathe Remus in its eerie light, she transformed as well, becoming a werewolf to match him in size and strength. She kept him in check, giving him something to focus his beastly instincts on. Finally, he was not alone. In the mornings, as the moon would loosen its spell over him, she was there to hold him and comfort him; to ease his fears of what might have happened the night before.

The two became practically inseparable and even after Remus graduated he arranged to work in Hogsmeade so that he could be close to Clarissa during the full moon. After her graduation, they made plans to wed. The small ceremony was attended by family and close friends with the honeymoon being just that, a romp under the light of a full moon.

As Lord Voldemort's following grew and the war began to rage, the happy couple put their lives on hold as they joined their friends in the Order and fought the rising dark power. They often found themselves separated, though they tried to be together during the nights of the full moon. However, an extended assignment had kept Clarissa away longer than expected. By the time she could apparate back to their headquarters, the moon was setting.

"Where is he?" she asked, kicking at the sleeping Sirius with her boot.

Sirius rubbed at his eyes as he glanced around the room. "I thought he had taken the drought that they made for him at St. Mungo's. Sure he's not pacing the veranda, or walking in the gardens?"

Clarissa shook her head. "I've checked already. His mixture hasn't been touched either. He has to have transformed. Sirius, please, come help me find him."

Clarissa dashed out onto the grounds and quickly transfigured. She released a long howl then cocked her head, using her enhanced hearing to listen for a reply. Sirius had transformed as well and he suddenly dashed off across the moor, Clarissa at his heals. They crested a hill and found Remus, still in werewolf form with his leg caught in a trap.

Clarissa quickly returned to human form and started walking slowly toward her husband. She spoke softly to him as she advanced cautiously. He whimpered, but didn't move as she reached out to caress his muzzle. She ran her hand along his body till she reached the ensnared leg. She was leaning over to release the jaws of the trap when Remus suddenly began to snarl. Clarissa sprung the trap and turned, just as a gun was fired and a man yelled in pain as he was knocked against a tree by a large black blur of fur. Clarissa fell heavily against Remus as the sparse gray hair disappeared from his body and he contorted back into his human form.

Clarissa reached up to caress Remus' cheek. "Remember, my love, you're still you. Here," and her hand slipped down his neck to where she could feel his heart beating in his chest. "They can never take what you are in _here_ from you. I've always believed that you were more than the lot life handed you. No matter your form, you're still you."

_  
And in this cruel and lonely world  
I found one love  
You're still you  
After all  
You're still you_

Remus shivered as the last of the morning's dew settled upon him. He could feel her warmth as the sun began to peek above the horizon. Her presence lingered a moment longer as the rhythm of his heart steadied. Then, with the plaintive call of the mourning dove, she was gone.

With a heavy sigh, Remus felt the weight of his existence crash down once more on his shoulders as a blanket was laid upon him. He looked up into the still hollow, haunted gaze of his friend, Sirius Black.

"You didn't take your medicine last night," Black commented flatly. "It's not good to be running about the moor. Remember what happened last time?"

Remus nodded as he pushed himself up to sit beside Sirius. He rubbed at his sore ankle, a constant reminder of how life giveth and fate taketh away. "It's been fifteen years, Sirius and yet, she's still out there. I could feel her on the wind as I ran, in the grass as I rested upon it, in the warmth of the sun's rays as they washed over the meadow."

"You were the lucky one, Remus. You found that one person who saw through the shell to the real you." Sirius rose and offered his friend his hand.

Remus turned away for a moment, then accepted the hand and allowed himself to be pulled to his feet. "She never stopped believing in me, even when I doubted myself. She would always remind me that deep down, I was still me."


End file.
